Yesterday was a dark day in my little world. I think it was a combination of several things, but as several things start to slide downward, it seems to pull all things downward. No amount of resistance works. So I just turned into a grouchy, bitchy, totally impatient and irrational tyrant. At one point, I just burst into spontaneous sobs.
I think fatigue started the spiral. I worked too late several nights this week working on the willworkfordogfood.org website. The kids all get quiet after dinner once it gets dark, so I can concentrate better. And the next thing I know, it’s 2 am. Add to the spiral money. I have a finite amount and yesterday, all the things that need money to fix began to smother me. LeRoy needs to go to the vet next week and I am sure he will need a surgery. Alone, the surgery will cost $600-800, but add the pre-surgery vet visit and tests. What’s your guess? $1000+? I had not been counting on this.
I live with a bunch of rescues. The thing about that is that few people in the world know these guys exist or care about them. They could be dead as easily as they are alive as far as the world knows. But they are my kids and I do assume the responsibility for them. I care. It’s just hard sometimes these days because I am not working… it’s 24/7; it’s physical, mental, financial, emotional. And the madder I get about my situation, the more some of the kids want to be in my face to console me (exactly what you do NOT want). The rest feel my negativity and slink away from me and I feel like a heel.
A few months ago, I had to change their food from the high quality Purina One/Pro Plan. In the past couple years, the price has gone from $26 for 37.5 pounds to $36 for 34 pounds. It was just too much for me — I go through about 1,000 pounds of dog food each month. So I spent a few weeks gradually switching them over to a lower quality Purina product that I supplement with Kelp. I hate the switch. There is more stool volume, but more than that, they seem to have more body odor and oilier coats. I used the higher quality food for more than 20 years. I am still adjusting to the new stuff.
I think downward spirals, though sometimes impossible to avoid, can be a self-feeding thing. I think the energy they produce creates more downward movement. My escape is to eat a couple Happy Campers (an herbal supplement worth their weight in gold to me) and plug my iPod into my head, turn up the volume and block everything out. But yesterday, a wire on my ear buds decided to break inside the cord so I had a little bit of sound in one ear. No surprise, huh?
Today is another day… I have recently reconnected with a best friend from high school after 30-some years apart. And it is so comfortable. It is the same soft spot it was so many years ago. Is it possible that our friendships from our younger days are different? As we email back and forth, memories long forgotten seem to dust themselves off and bring a smile to my heart and, sometimes, a small tear to my eyes. They make this new day much better than yesterday and put the fire back in me. The kids and I — we will make it. Somehow we will pull this off. I just need to get back into FAITH:
“When you have reached the end of all the light that you know and you must step out into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: either you will have something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.”